im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
