I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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