Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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