i dont even know how to be here
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
