Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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