I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
