Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize