Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
