my phone needs a breathalizer
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
