if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
