How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
