you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
