does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
