I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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