i think i scared a bird with my dick
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
be right there i have to get my cape
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
