I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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