Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
