3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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