Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
