My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
