im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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