When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
