Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You can't just leave with hair like that
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
