12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
