party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
