Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
