YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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