Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
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He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
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Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
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