I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
