I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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