I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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