Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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