were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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