I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I think I have vodka in my lungs
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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