i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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