there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
