I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
