tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
