An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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