I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Randomize
