I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
