on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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