That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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