I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
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I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
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I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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