I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
