butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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