Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
