you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
