I think im going to throw up on grandma
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
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My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
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I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Never underestimate the power of titties
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