I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
