its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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