That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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