you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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