i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
