There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
