So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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