Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
