mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
