im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
