just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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